What is the relationship between toxic masculinity and the concepts of “real men” and “good men”? originally appeared on Quora, the place to gain and share knowledge, empowering people to learn from others and better understand the world. You can follow Quora on Twitter, Facebook, and Google Plus.

“Toxic” masculinity refers to behaviors socialized at boyhood that prove to be toxic to boys, the men they become, and the people around them. These behaviors and ways of seeing oneself and others can be (and are regularly) identified via a classroom exercise called the “act like a man box.” Middle-school age boys are asked to identify characteristics of being a man, and they generally answer the same way (across the US and Canada, where I have found examples). Men, they say, are strong, dominant, and emotionally stoic; they are not “weak,” “gay,” or “girlie” (those last two descriptors come via the work of NYU psychologist Niobe Way, who studies adolescent male friendships). Obviously, being in the man box is, then, inherently embedded with sexism (“girlie”) and homophobia (“gay”). Boyhood is where guys first learn to police each others’ “realness” along these lines. It’s also a great trick to uphold patriarchy, as guys learn to spend this time defending or attacking masculinity rather than questioning it. Later, when we talk about “good” or “bad” men, we continue on with the assumption that “masculinity” is, itself, a monolith (where certain men are “real,” while others are… not, presumably), and that within that binary, we construct a new, moral one (“good” or “bad”). The problem with all of this, of course, is that there is no there there—masculinity isn’t inherently toxic, nor is it ever “real” or “not real.” It’s also not really true that any man escapes social conditioning around toxic masculinity, so in order to not be a “bad” man, you actually have to do the work of understanding that conditioning, and undoing it. Suggesting otherwise (“Not all men,” etc.) isn’t really useful to men, or the people around us.

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