What may cause you to be too hard on yourself? originally appeared on Quora, the place to gain and share knowledge, empowering people to learn from others and better understand the world. You can follow Quora on Twitter, Facebook, and Google Plus.

When I was a little girl my brothers were told they were brave. I was told I would need protecting. For them, I heard words like “strong”, “solid”, “big”. For me, “sweet”, “adorable”, “pretty”. What I strived for was to be a good girl. I still do.

Later, in school, boys were encouraged to act with courage, vigor, conviction. I needed to be more careful with my passions, lest I come across as dramatic or emotional. A man was persistent. I was a nag. A man was the boss, I was bossy, pushy.

I’ve been called a “bitch” for holding my ground or for saying no to sexual advances. I’ve been called a slut for saying yes and for liking sex as much as you.

I am frequently told I am not like other women, like this is supposed to be a huge compliment. I aspire to be like so many women I know.

I am assertive and unfailingly have an opinion. Recently, in a meeting, I confessed to a (female) friend and co-worker that I am perpetually worried about coming on too strong. I spend a lot of my energy pulling back, worried I am talking too much. “Dushka,” she said, “I have never, ever heard a man worry about something like that.”

I have been working in communications and PR in the tech industry for over 20 years. I have spent that same amount of time listening to men who have never worked in public relations patiently explain to me how I should be doing my job.

It’s hard to be a strong woman. It’s hard to have a strong personality and to see people feel threatened by the fact you disagree.

Over the years I have been setting down so many expectations I had put on myself. I have for years worked full time and insisted on assuming responsibility for anything to do with organizing, coordinating, cleaning, shopping, socializing. I don’t do that anymore. I don’t cook, and that’s a fact, not a shortcoming.

I like who I am so much and look at other strong women and want them to like who they are too. I trust them. I tell them I find them intelligent, even when they are wearing awesome shoes. I remind myself to recognize their work when I introduce them. I make room for them to feel comfortable speaking up in meetings. I both promote and recruit them.

If they have an opinion they are expressing with vigor, with conviction, with passion, I wholeheartedly support them, and regardless of your gender, so should you.

This question originally appeared on Quora. More questions on Quora:

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